News
United In Grief, Together In Love
By Judy O'Gorman Alvarez
When Karen Cangialosi and John Budzyna walk down the aisle of St. Catharine's Church in Holmdel on Saturday, July 17, two families, united in grief, friendship and eventually love, will come together.
On September 11, 2001, Karen Cangialosi found herself widowed with two young sons. Her husband of 15 years, Steve, was killed at his office in the World Trade Center. In her loss, Karen was overwhelmed by the care and generosity of her family, friends, and strangers.
Among the 100 or so neighbors outside her door for a candlelight vigil on that first night were Kathee and John Budzyna, who lived down the street. In the new life Karen forged for herself and her boys, she was thankful for the friends and neighbors who couldn't do enough for her - chores, planting flowers, running errands and shuttling kids to and from activities. A few years later, when Kathee Budzyna became ill with melanoma skin cancer, the family relied on family and close friends for help with their three daughters. As a neighbor with children attending the same school, Karen was able to occasionally help out.
In 2005, Kathee passed away. "I had a lot to learn about being a Dad," said John, who admits to spending much of his time commuting or working at his New York City office. "I couldn't cook. In the winter I shoveled a path to the grill because barbecuing was all I knew how to do. It took me a long time to understand and communicate at a different level with my teenaged girls. It was a role that I hadn't played before." At the time, John, who is now chief executive officer of Cutting Hedge Consulting and has spent 30 years as a partner of Arthur Andersen and Ernst & Young accounting firms, took time off from work to be home.
Karen realized that sometimes when you're in the midst of your grief, you might not know what you need. "I understood better than John. You don't want to take help, but sometimes you need help. Especially with the little things, like taking your kids to practice or driving someone when they miss the school bus."
Between the carpools and errands, a friendship developed. "I knew the second year for him would be worst than the first," Karen said. "The first year, you're still in shock. By the second year, you realize this is your life. The plan you had is gone, and you have to make a new plan. A new life."
As they became good friends, Karen and John found they had more in common than widowed parenthood and the neighborhood. "We're both organized and resilient and full of energy," says Karen, who teaches water aerobics and exercise therapy at the Atlantic Club in Red Bank. John is an avid runner and triathlete. Between kids and parents, most days there is a tennis racquet in play at both their homes.
"We have the same values and views," says Karen. "That was part of the attraction." Their friendship evolved into a relationship after they began escorting one another to fundraisers and charity events.
As John points out, "I think what we agreed on from the beginning was that our children came first and foremost in our lives. We've tried to look at it through their point of view: they lost a parent at a young age. We didn't want to disrupt anything else for them."
Balancing two families has been an adventure for Karen and John. Over the past few years their weekends have revolved around play performances, baseball games, tennis matches, choral events, college tours, and family functions. "We've figured out that we'll have someone graduating from somewhere - high school or college - every year for the next seven years," says Karen.
In addition, John is president and chairman of Hedge Fund Cares, an international charity supported largely by the hedge fund industry, whose mission is preventing and treating child abuse. He also organizes and sponsors the Nav-e-Sink or Swim, a memorial swim for melanoma awareness, that he started in 2006 with 50 swimmers and this year registered 750 participants.
Added to the mix has been planning a wedding. When they return from their honeymoon to Hawaii - the couple and all five kids - new beginnings await the blended family. For the Budzyna girls: Laura will enter graduate school at Columbia University's School of International and Public Affairs, Christyn will be a senior at Dickinson College, Pa., and Michelle will enter freshman year at New York University. For the Cangialosi boys: Jeffrey will be a sophomore at Georgetown University's School of Foreign Service in Washington, D.C., and Peter starts his junior year at Christian Brothers Academy in Lincroft.
And Karen and John will start their new lives together.
"My belief is that everyone has some sort of misfortune in their lives," says John, who lost his mother two months after Kathee died. And everyone has a different way of getting through it. If you don't have the values and good infrastructure, like a good family and friends to fall back on, it could be very traumatic. You have to believe in yourself and your ability to carry on and move forward."
