Editorial & Commentary
Middle Age Dating (Part 1)
By Daniel Murphy Jr.
BEING IN THE restaurant and bar business brings me into conversations with numerous men and women. Regardless of age or gender I hear; "I can't find anyone out there, they all nuts." Or "All men want is sex, they are not looking for a relationship." We men can say almost the same thing regarding the women out there and as to the only wanting sex, check out the "cougars" at the local clubs most Friday and Saturday nights.
This story is about dating at middle age as that is the age bracket I have been living in for years. The above might be a harsh opening on this subject but we must understand the dynamics of what is happening out there. We can then clear our heads and relax and enjoy being single, coming and going as we please and finding a really good person to date and spend our time with. Before we get to that point we should understand how we got to this point in our lives.
Around the age forty five to fifty and over a number of us find ourselves alone having been married once or twice and trying one-on-one relationships for short periods of time. The luggage we drag around will ultimately get in the way of new relationships. Women will hold on to a marriage or relationship from fear of abandonment, for the sake of the children, fear of finances, etc., until all hope is gone or the man makes them so miserable the will finally get divorced. "I love the line, "that there was only one thing worst then being alone and that is wishing you were alone." Women who have had abusive relationships with most of the men in their lives will run away from a man who is not a "bad guy." They feel they don't deserve him and will punish themselves by staying alone or get involved with a married man thinking he will leave his wife one day for her. This rarely happens; I got that tidbit from a friend at the Women's Center of Monmouth County.
Men approaching fifty seem to panic having a sense of missing out on life, leave their families to look for that magic woman that will change their lives or try to go back to women from their past. They will also seek out younger women trying to recapture some stage of their lives. I have given a number of men the following advice, "You had better check all the angles before you go charging after that cute young thing, the price of admission could be very steep." That line seems to always cause them to blink.
So that brings us to the problems that both men and women in middle age face. Most of us are looking for someone to date socially or for a long term relationship. I truly believe that all men and women want long term relationships leaving the bed hoping to the "kids." Part 2 of this series will outline the dos and don'ts of dating in middle age. I will try to outline the "Red Flags" to look for and some of the ground rules I have learned. A number of single women who are successfully single and dating have shared their rules with me as well as the problems each side faces when dealing with luggage of potential dates. If I seem to know what I am talking about I have screwed up more times in dating and relationships then I would like to admit.
Danny Murphy is the owner of Danny's Restaurant on Bridge Avenue in Red Bank.
